It’s not easy to bring up concerns about your partner’s mental health—especially when it’s something as complex and often misunderstood as ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder). Maybe you’ve noticed persistent forgetfulness, emotional overwhelm, or difficulty following through on tasks. Perhaps it’s impacting communication, intimacy, or daily routines. And now you’re wondering: Could this be ADHD?
Wanting to understand your partner better is a loving thing. But approaching the conversation without triggering shame or defensiveness can be tricky. Here’s how to start the dialogue with empathy, care, and clarity.
1. Lead with Curiosity, Not Criticism
Rather than saying, “You always forget things,” try:
“I’ve noticed you’ve seemed overwhelmed or distracted at times, and I’m wondering if something more might be going on beneath the surface.”
You’re inviting reflection, not placing blame.
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2. Speak From Your Own Experience
Using “I” statements keeps the conversation personal and non-confrontational:
“I’ve been reading about how ADHD can look in adults, and some of it reminded me of what we’ve been going through. It made me curious.”
This way, you’re sharing—not diagnosing.
3. Offer Gentle Resources
If your partner is open, offer something accessible and non-technical—a podcast episode, a blog post, or a relatable story:
“I came across this and thought it really humanised ADHD in adults. It made me feel more compassionate, and I wondered if you might feel seen in it too.”
This opens up space without pressure.
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4. Watch for Shame Signals
Many adults with undiagnosed ADHD carry years of internalised criticism—often feeling “not good enough” without understanding why. Even gentle questions can trigger a defensive response.
If that happens, stay kind and grounded:
“I’m not trying to label you—just wanting to understand more so we can feel more connected and less stuck.”
That reassurance can make all the difference.
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5. Make It About “Us”
This isn’t just their journey—it’s your relationship, together. Let your partner know you’re not leaving them to figure this out alone.
“If this is something affecting us, I want us to explore it together. I care about you, and I want us to feel more understood—by each other, and by ourselves.”
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6. Let It Be a Process
This conversation may unfold over time. That’s okay. Change doesn’t happen all at once—but compassion and curiosity create the conditions for it to grow.
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Final Thoughts
If your partner does have ADHD, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with them. It simply means their brain processes the world differently—and that understanding can be liberating.
Love doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations. It means holding them with softness and strength.
If this resonates with you, and you or your partner would like a safe, non-judgemental space to explore these dynamics, I’m here to support you. At Past 2 Present Counselling & Psychotherapy, I work with individuals and couples navigating neurodiversity, trauma, identity, and relational patterns rooted in past experiences.
You don’t have to walk this road alone. Whether you’re the one wondering, or the one being wondered about—your story matters.
