When we speak about the damage caused by a narcissistic mother, our focus often — and understandably — turns to her manipulation, emotional control, and lack of empathy. But in many narcissistic family systems, there is another key player whose role, though quieter, is equally significant: the enabling father.
Whether through fear, denial, or avoidance, this partner often becomes complicit in the narcissist’s behaviour — not necessarily out of malice, but through a deep pattern of emotional passivity and self-protection. Understanding his role can help adult children make sense of their upbringing and begin to release misplaced guilt and confusion.
The Invisible Collusion
In families ruled by a narcissistic parent, the enabling partner frequently acts as a stabiliser — someone who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and protects the illusion of normality.
To the outside world, he may appear calm, reasonable, or “the good one.” Inside the home, however, he may:
- Look the other way when emotional abuse occurs
- Dismiss the child’s distress to avoid confrontation (“That’s just how she is”)
- Encourage forgiveness without accountability
- Allow the narcissistic parent to dominate decisions, emotions, and family dynamics
In doing so, he unconsciously validates the narcissist’s behaviour and leaves the child emotionally unprotected.
Why Does He Enable?
Understanding the enabling father’s psychology is complex. Many such men have their own history of emotional neglect or trauma. Some were taught to avoid conflict at all costs, while others may have been subtly manipulated by the narcissistic partner from the start — gradually losing their own confidence and voice.
Common motivations include:
- Fear: Of anger, rejection, or emotional retaliation from the narcissist.
- Denial: Minimising the dysfunction to preserve family image or cope with helplessness.
- Dependency: Emotional, financial, or psychological reliance on the narcissistic partner.
- Guilt: Believing they’re protecting the children by keeping the peace.
Unfortunately, these attempts at “keeping the peace” often create the opposite — a home where truth is buried and the most vulnerable are left unseen.
The Impact on the Child
For children, the father’s passivity can be just as damaging as the mother’s control. They often internalise painful messages such as:
- “No one will protect me.”
- “My feelings don’t matter.”
- “Speaking up leads to punishment or silence.”
The result is a deep confusion around love, trust, and safety. Many adult children later describe feeling betrayed not only by the narcissistic parent, but also by the parent who stood by and did nothing.
Accountability and Healing
Acknowledging the father’s role isn’t about blame — it’s about truth and accountability. Healing requires facing the full picture, including the silence and complicity that allowed harm to continue.
For the enabling parent, accountability might mean:
- Acknowledging what happened without minimisation or justification.
- Listening to their adult child’s pain without defensiveness.
- Taking responsibility for their inaction, rather than hiding behind “I did my best.”
For the adult child, it can mean:
- Allowing anger and grief toward both parents.
- Recognising that protecting yourself was never betrayal — it was survival.
- Learning to hold others accountable without guilt or fear.
Therapy can be a powerful space to explore these themes — especially for those who feel caught between love and resentment, or who still crave validation from the parent who failed to protect them.
Breaking the Cycle
True healing begins with seeing clearly: both the narcissist’s cruelty and the enabler’s silence. Each played a part, and acknowledging that complexity allows for deeper emotional release and more authentic boundaries in adulthood.
You can choose differently — to live with awareness, integrity, and compassion that includes yourself.
The patterns may come from the past, but they don’t have to dictate your present.
Past2Present Counselling and Psychotherapy Services offers compassionate, confidential support for adults healing from narcissistic family dynamics. Together, we can explore these complex relational wounds, find your voice again, and begin to build the safety and authenticity that were denied to you in childhood.
