There’s a quiet grief that comes with realising your parent was never able to love you in the way you needed.
Not because you were unlovable. But because they were emotionally unavailable.
Or manipulative.
Or controlling.
Or so deeply self-involved that your feelings never really registered.
Coming to terms with having a narcissistic parent is a slow, painful reckoning. One that often begins with a lifetime of confusion:
- Why do I feel guilty all the time?
- Why do I crave their approval, even when it hurts me?
- Why do I feel like nothing I do is ever enough?
- Why does everything have to be about them?
These aren’t just difficult parents. This is a pattern of narcissistic behaviour—where your emotional needs were sidelined, where love was conditional, and where the cycle still continues.
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The Emotional Shock of Realisation
Realising a parent has narcissistic traits often doesn’t bring relief—it brings heartbreak. You might feel:
- Deep grief for the childhood you didn’t get
- Anger at the manipulation or neglect
- Guilt for thinking “bad thoughts” about a parent
- Fear of setting boundaries
- Sadness when they continue the same hurtful behaviour
- Confusion about how to move forward
This is not just a difficult dynamic—it’s an injury to your sense of self. And the healing starts with naming the wound.
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When the Pattern Doesn’t Stop
One of the most painful realities is that narcissistic parents rarely change. Even after you’ve tried to explain. Even after you’ve set boundaries. Even after you’ve gone no contact and then tried again.
The cycle might continue through:
- Guilt trips or emotional blackmail
- Playing the victim if you try to speak your truth
- Gaslighting—rewriting events to make you doubt yourself
- Triangulation—turning family members against you
- Conditional love or withholding affection to punish you
And every time the cycle repeats, you may feel like a child again—lost, unseen, and desperate for something they can’t give.
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How Therapy Can Help You Heal
At Past2Present Counselling and Psychotherapy Services, I work with adults navigating the lifelong impact of narcissistic parenting. It’s complex work—but also deeply powerful.
Therapy can help you:
- Grieve the parent you never truly had
- Identify and break harmful relational patterns
- Learn to set (and hold) boundaries without guilt
- Process the shame and self-doubt left by childhood emotional neglect
- Reconnect with your own needs, voice, and identity
- Heal from the “invisible wounds” of always trying to be good enough
You are not selfish for choosing to protect your peace.
You are not cruel for stepping back from toxicity.
You are allowed to put your healing first.
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Moving Forward When the Cycle Continues
You can’t change them—but you can change the story you live in.
Here’s what that might look like:
- Accepting that they may never apologise or understand
- Letting go of the fantasy of a perfect parent-child relationship
- Learning to emotionally detach, even if you remain in contact
- Creating chosen family—relationships that are safe, mutual, and loving
- Celebrating the freedom of not needing their approval to define your worth
It’s not easy. In fact, it’s incredibly hard. But it is possible.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
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A Final Word
You deserved better.
You always did.
And even if they never see that, you can.
If you’re ready to stop waiting for the love you were never given, and start creating the safety, care, and belonging you always needed, I’m here to walk with you
