The term narcissist has become part of everyday language. It appears across social media, self-help articles, and even casual conversation.
People use it to describe toxic ex-partners, difficult parents, demanding bosses — sometimes even themselves.
But as our collective awareness of narcissistic behaviour grows, so does the confusion. Are we all a little narcissistic? Can healthy parenting be mistaken for control? And who decides when care turns into coercion?
These are important, nuanced questions — especially for those trying to parent differently after surviving narcissistic family systems themselves.
Healthy Narcissism vs. Pathological Narcissism
Let’s start by separating two concepts that often get blurred.
Every human being has narcissistic traits. In psychology, “healthy narcissism” refers to the ability to take pride in oneself, maintain confidence, and seek validation in balanced ways. It helps us pursue goals, set boundaries, and feel secure in who we are.
Healthy narcissism looks like:
- Feeling proud of achievements without belittling others.
- Expressing opinions while respecting differences.
- Seeking recognition but also offering it.
- Wanting to be loved, not worshipped.
Pathological narcissism, on the other hand, involves a fragile self-esteem masked by arrogance, entitlement, or emotional manipulation. A person with narcissistic traits may need constant validation, lack empathy, and use others to maintain their sense of superiority or control.
The difference lies not in having confidence — but in how we treat others when our ego is challenged.
Parenting Through the Lens of Control
Parenting requires authority, structure, and guidance. Children need boundaries to feel safe, and parents need confidence to set them.
But survivors of narcissistic families often fear authority. They remember the sting of control — decisions made for them, emotions dismissed, individuality punished.
As adults, they may overcorrect:
- Avoiding discipline for fear of being “controlling.”
- Over-accommodating emotions.
- Feeling guilty for saying “no.”
Conversely, parents who lack emotional insight may genuinely slide into control, mistaking obedience for love and compliance for respect.
The line between guidance and control can be subtle — but it often comes down to intent and empathy.
When Guidance Turns Into Narcissistic Control
A parent’s authority becomes emotionally damaging when it’s used to meet their own needs rather than the child’s.
